Where i've been hiding

Wednesday 3 December 2014

Right so before i get started, i'm going to warn you that this is going to be a lengthy post. It's about why i haven't been blogging as consistently as i usually would, and why i've taken some time out from the blogging world. This post mainly features on my struggle with mental health and how its effected me a great deal in the last couple of months.

So, let me begin by saying since around September/October time, things started going a bit downhill for me. Relationships were strained and i was just struggling a lot in the sense of not feeling good enough, and feeling unwanted. As always, i would lay on everything i was feeling to my health professionals, but i just didn't feel as if i was being listened to. They were continuously telling me how well i was doing with my eating, even though it was and still is a day to day struggle to eat and to not throw up. But anyways, from their point of view, they saw a Courtney who was achieving more and wanting more out of life. In September i joined a ladies football team, and i also started volunteering at my local Charity Shop. So in that sense, the sense of actually having a life, things had looked up. Some of the friends i have made at football are just irreplaceable and i was enjoying volunteering.

In around, what i think was the beginning of October, i had a meeting with my Psychiatrist, who is actually my eating disorder consultant but is overseeing everything that's going on with my mental health atm. He said, that considering i have been on a specific anti-psychotic (used mostly for my severe anxiety and depression!) for quite a while, and it can have some nasty side effects the longer you're on it that it's about time they tried me on something else. Well, let's just say that that was the beginning of something that was going to give me the 6-8 weeks of hell!

So, i started reducing my tablets lowering the dose as told and then eventually two weeks after seeing him, i started taking the new drug. The coming off the other drug wasn't too bad, my anxiety flared up quite badly, and i was hoping that the new drug would put a stop to that, when infact it did quite the opposite. So the new drug, didn't just flare up my anxiety to a whole other level, it sent me into a state of what can only be described as hell from my point of view. The new drug gave me all the symptoms that they are supposed to help. So my anxiety was sky high, my depression was at an all time low, and my mania was all over the place. I was going from 1 to 100 in a matter of seconds. MY friends experienced this with me in the pub on a few occasions. Something so immaterial would be said or happen and that would kill my mood, and then suddenly i'd be so hyper that i would be shaking, and then i'd go back down again. Also, there was a separate occasion where i was on the phone to my mum, and i was just walking around in a circle saying to her "Mum, i',m walking around in a circle and i can't stop." I probably did that for about 10 minutes before my mind and body would allow me to just be in a 'normal' state again.  The depression wasn't just a little down moment. I was contemplating killing myself every minute, i even planned out many times how i was going to do it, that's how bad it got. A lot of the time, i would just harm myself in one way or another, but luckily i didn't try anything really serious.

2 weeks into this medication, my mum found me in my room distraught, banging my head against a wall, shaking, hysterically crying, razor in hand. She sat me on the bed and tried to console me, but this drug just wouldn't let me rationalise what i was doing. Something i had worked out though, was that that drug was going to kill me. There's no overreacting about that either, i can safely say, hand on heart, that if i had carried on taking that drug, i wouldn't be here anymore. Luckily, i had realised just in time. My mum agreed with me and from that night i stopped taking it. That didn't stop the anxiety and the depression though. For about a week i wasn't on any medication to sort out my anxiety and depression. I would check my tablets for about 5 minutes to make sure mum hadn't slipped it in there, i couldn't walk to the shops of my own, i wasn't getting dressed or really washing throughout all of this. I was still pushing my self to play football, but it was so hard to carry on. I felt totally useless, on and off that drug. Like i had nothing to live for, even though i know i truly do.

I went back and saw my psychiatrist about a week after i came off the tablet, and you know what he did!? He put me back on my old medication!! I was so infuriated because i knew all of it could of been avoided if the medication had just been left how it was. I'm even on a higher dose now then i was before they changed the tablet! Ridiculous really.

Now though, i'm in a better place. My medication is all back to normal, and things finally seem to be looking up. It's Christmas soon, and my 21st! Considering last Christmas i was so ill with my anorexia i barely moved i want to make this one a Christmas to remember! I have some great stuff planned for my birthday too, i've practically made it my birthday month! On Saturday we're going on a pub crawl on the Circle Line in London which should be interesting.

So, this is it really. This is why i had to take a break from blogging and the blogging community. It may not sound that bad written down, and i can't actually find the words to describe just how horrendous that experience was, but i hope this gives you into an insight into what Mental Health can be like.

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Glasses Girl said...

This is such a brave post to write, I really admire you for having that courage and I'm so pleased that things are looking up for you after such a hellish timeI've subscribed to your blog for some time and I've missed your posts landing in my inbox! Looking forward to seeing them again, hopefully full of lovely birthday celebrations :) xx

Jennifer - Barely There Beauty said...

Thanks for sharing this Courtney, I'd love to be able to talk to you more about your anxiety/depression and your experiences and what helps you, I'm suffering from it at the moment and have been written off work for quite a while now, just feeling really stuck.. My twitter is @jnnfrch, I can dm you my email if youd like, itd be good to talk to someone who has similar things in common!

Barely There Beauty || UK Lifestyle, Beauty & Health blog


Chelsey Prentice said...

I'm so sorry to hear what you went through. I know each day can be a struggle but I hope that you're feeling much better now than you were back then. It's hard for people to understand but I'm here if you want to talk or make plans to take your mind off things for a bit. Wishing you a happy new year xx

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