My Mental Health

Monday 6 May 2013

I've been thinking recently about doing a post in regards to my Mental Health and considering this month marks Mental Health Awareness Week i thought now would be the appropriate time to do a post of this sort. I don't know if anyone else feels similar, but i feel writing a blog post very therapeutic, so this will be good for me as well as informative for you.
I suffer from Depression, Anxiety and a Personality Disorder, mine being referred to as Emotionally Unstable. I take medication daily for these issues and they affect my life on a daily basis. Just because i suffer from Mental Health issues does not make me "mental". I hate the stigma attached to people who are suffering with Mental Health issues, people who need help tend to not speak out because of this stigma as they fear being judged. I've been that girl who didn't speak out, and now after many years of suffering with these issues, i've finally accepted how things are and i'm ready to use my experiences to help others.

I was really badly bullied at school, for 5 years of my life, i went through hell 5 days a week. It was horrible and despite getting through it, what i went through will affect me for the rest of my life. That's what started everything off for me. I sunk into a deep hole of depression struggling to get through each day. I was having therapy at CAMHS and i was trying my damned hardest to drum it into my therapists head that i was depressed, and she continued to ignore it, and tell me i was 'being silly' and 'too young to be depressed', and then she decided to put me on a therapeutic break. Then on the 17th of April 2010, even after the bullying had ended, i took a severe overdose to which the doctors said should of killed me. Luckily my mum forced me to the hospital to where i was made to drink Charcoal. I was unconscious for 2 days. I spent 5 days in hospital. I was 16. Looking back, i realise just how much of a selfish thing it was that i had done considering my nan had had a bad stroke 3 days prior, but i just couldn't cope anymore and that had just tipped me over the edge. I had hit an all time low. April always marks a horrible time for me, and i always worry that April being the anniversary of my overdose will trigger me to do something that stupid again, i need to start looking at it in a more positive way, and instead of thinking it's been ... years i may do something silly again, i need to be thinking, despite what happened ... years ago, i'm still here fighting.

I remember my first proper panic attack so clearly. I was with my mum in Topshop in Oxford Street, i was on crutches at the time and was about to go have my check up appointment at the Royal National Orthopaedic Hospital. I was walking along, when my sight went all fuzzy, i went dizzy, my hearing went, i was sweating so much and hyperventilating that i ended up collapsing. That was horrible. Since then things started to deteriorate and my anxiety got worse over the years. In the last year it has been at it's worst. I ended up not leaving the house for about 6 months, i couldn't see people, i couldn't be around people, i physically couldn't leave the house and i was diagnosed with Agrophobia. Everything and anything would freak me out. Something while on holiday in Magaluf triggered it and i just declined. Only in the last couple months have i started to improve. I still get very freaked out if on my own, if i got to a club, the amount of people really scares me and i find myself panicking more than enjoying myself. But things are improving and i'm trying to do more each day. I'm currently taking Paroxetine to keep things stable and allow me to cope. Honestly though, i have been finding myself slipping back into my old ways and not wanting to go out, so i'm trying to atleast go and stand outside the front door everyday just so i don't start being afraid of the outdoors again.

See, this i never really understood myself, a personality disorder automatically made me think 'oh my gosh i've got schizophrenia'. They are two totally different illnesses and i know that now and just because i have a personality disorder does not make me crazy. Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder is also referred to as Borderline Personality Disorder. I've always been unsure of myself, i've always hated everything about my image, being a calm person i'd have huge angry outbursts, and my mood would shoot from high to low in a matter of minutes. I'd also have times where i'd do things totally out of the ordinary, things that i wouldn't do, and then i wouldn't be able to explain myself. I knew i'd be in the wrong when i was able to evaluate it hours on, but at the time, i'd do something and wouldn't care who it'd hurt or anything. I'd totally isolate myself too.

Currently, i've been taken seriously when it comes to feeling depressed and not being able to cope, and my EUPD and Anxiety issues are also being dealt with seriously too. I'm currently taking Diazepam for the depression, Paroextine for the anxiety and Mirtazapine as a mood stabilizer for the EUPD. I'm on the waiting list to see someone from the Personality Disorder team, but apparently that can take forever, so that's just a waiting game. I see a psychiatrist monthly who i have a very good relationship with and can call whenever, even if i'm just unsure of something, she'll talk to me and calm me down, and if i feel i need to see her, she always squeezes me in. Having a good relationship with her, after not being taken seriously at CAMHS really put my mind at rest, and i 100% trust her.
Yes, i do still have suicidal thoughts, and yes i do sink into such a deep hole of depression that i don't know how to get out of, and yes i do turn down going out because i'm scared of leaving the house and being around people, BUT i am aware of the illnesses that i have and i am trying my hardest to deal with them and hopefully one day i can overcome them completely.

This post is something i've been wanting to post for a long time, and i've finally had the courage to post this in the hope, that someone who is struggling with any of the issues i have mentioned will seek help. Please don't judge me on what i have written, it does not define me. If you do feel that you need help, and don't know what to do, despite how hard it may be, try talking to a family member, or a close friend and persuade them to go to a GP appointment with you. If you feel like you can't do that, then check out these websites for help. You are always more than welcome to talk to me about any issues you have in complete confidence, i for one, will NOT judge you.

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Anonymous said...

Oh gosh, you brave thing for writing this post. Well done for writing this x

Mum said...

Just wow, incredible that you can put this into words, you are an incredible young lady and should be very proud of yourself. Love you so much, Mum xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Anonymous said...

A truly inspiraring post, i read your blogs reguarly. i suffer from depression aswel although i am not as open as you about it, only close family and my closest friend know. So i have lost all but one of my friends over it :(. I wish you the best of luck xxx

Anonymous said...

This is such a great, well written,honest post. Thank you xo

Inez said...

Well done for writing this post, it takes guts. I completely understand the depression and anxiety thing as I go through it too. I'm glad someone has finally taken you seriously, you can never be too young to be depressed, xoxo.

LillianZahra said...

Such a brave post to write. I'm sure this will be helpful to a lot of people. xxx

eliza said...

You are so brave, I'm so proud of you for writing this post. I have had problems with anxiety in the past but with help I've overcome it, but it's just awful going through it, especially alone.


Jess said...

great post! you are so brave and I wish you the best!

Sharon (Style-Chameleon) said...

You're so brave that you had the courage to write this down, and I'm happy for you you didn't get any of those bullshit comments on it from people who didn't even read it.

I struggled with myself too till last year or something, it's getting better but there's still something of you know what I mean.

GOod luck!

megcasson said...

amazing post.

First There Was Fashion said...

Thanks for doing this
I have nominated you for The Vercitile Blogger Award!

jennie said...

This is such a brave post to write & very honest. It's part of who you are but it definitely doesn't define you. You're a lovely lady! <3

Jennie xo |

Unknown said...

This is a really lovely, honest post Courtney. I suffered with anxiety and panic attacks when I was younger (around 6 years ago) but after some therapy and having to work hard at it I'm completely fine now! I know it's different for everyone but keep at it, don't let it win and you will get there I'm sure :)

Katie xx

Unknown said...

Hey! Great post, you're a very strong person and I'm sure a lot of people are very proud of you of what you have done and that fact that you are able to share it with other people as I'm sure a lot people will find it very helpful.

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Feel free to check mine too, we can also follow each other if you would like too!

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