oh impefections.

Saturday 13 November 2010

There is so many things in my life that people don't know about me.
people really are oblivious.
I have a tendancy to bottle things up.
Somethings are better left unsaid. Somethings would shock many people, make people worry, destory people and all the drama would be so unnecessary,  especiallyconsidering that the  majority of things that i am referring to happened in the past. That is most definately where they should and are going to stay, in the past, where they belong. I find some of the things terribly hard to talk about too and I've been through alot.

I am very insecure.
I've never thought much of myself as far back as i can remember. There always been something about myself that i haven't liked, whether it be my nose, my thighs, my stomach, my face, etc. I've never been very confident either, and due to being bullied, it did destroy any speck of confidence i had, but i'm slowly rebuilding that. People tell me that i shouldn't be so insecure, i know this, but it's hard to change the way you think and feel about yourself when you've felt like that for so long.

I've been branded an attention seeker.
This has happened many a time, and as much as people may like to think i am an attention seeker, i can assure you, that i am not. I don't like attention, but it does seem to follow me, and being extremely clumsy most definately does not help this and usually manages to land me being the centre of attention. I was bullied for 4 years, yes, i did retaliate, but i was young and naive, and in no way was it my fault, and obviously this did cause a huge amount of unwated attention! My CFS used to cause me to faint before i learned how to control it, people would worry, and depending on where i was an ambulance would be called, making me centre of attention, but that's a medical condition, which i didn't know i had at the time, and in no way my fault. I have many medical problems, which unfortunately does draw attention to myself, such as being on cruthces like i am at the moment. Especially if i am to slip on my crutches in this coming icy winter weather, the attention i will get will be awful, as there will be a lot of it. I took Drama as an A-level subject, and only then would i say that i like the attention, but only because i want people to see that i'm trying extremely hard to do well in something i'm passionate about. Otherwise, i'd happily rather go un-noticed.
I have a tendancy to push the people closest to me away.
I don't mean to, it just kind of happens. I try my best not to be self-centred, but i suppose everyone is really to an extent. I like to help people about, but as soon as it gets to helping me out and in some way taking away part of my independence, i get angry. I know they're only trying to help, but i like my independence and therefore end up pushing them away. It's annoys me greatly, but i think because due to my many operations and being on crutches many times, and having to be dependent on other people, that now i thrive on having independence. Part of me thinks i'm better off alone, to deal with things on my own. I know this is totally wrong and not feasable, everybody needs someone, i just find it hard to accept that, and am never able to accept help, even from the kindest sources. I always think i know best.

I'm the biggest fake i know.
I suppose, along with saying that, you could also say that i'm pretty honest for the fact that i've expressed that i view myself as a fake. I don't feel sorry for myself, but i have been through a lot, and if you didn't know me well, you'd never know. I like to wear a smile on my face, it's so much easier than expressing my genuine feelings. Very rarely will you catch me crying even if on the inside i'm distraught, ofcourse there are circumstances where the emotion takes over, such as death, physical pain, or bad news, otherwise, you'll just see a smile. Every so often, someone will tell me how much they admire me for always being so smiley and happy, even after all the rubbish i went through, that means a lot to me. One thing though that i must add. I may personally view myself as fake, but i am not a liar. The only lie that i am most likely tell on a daily basis comes in the form of two words and is the most common lie, 'I'm fine'.

What am i getting at by writing all of this?I AM NOT PERFECT.
Infact, not a single person is, everyone makes mistakes, everyone has done something that they are not proud of, and everyone has something that they would change if they could. Above, i have listed a few of my imperfections! We are human. We are imperfect. But its the imperfections that are in us that make us who we are, and without my insecurities, i wouldn't be me now would i?! I'd be trying to be something i'm not, and as much as your search for perfection, i think you'll soon realise, there is no such thing. I'm not contradiciting myself by saying this because i didnt write under my 'i'm the biggest fake i know' that i was attempting to be someone else, i just said i put on a bit of a happy front, and that's not hurting anyone really is it.
imperfections are what make us what we are.
the sooner we begin to realise this, the better.

i think this picture sums up what i'm trying to say pretty well.


Audrey♥ said...

I love how honest and sincere you are! I'm quite similar to you when I read this post. especially about the insecurity x

NURA said...

you are very honest, and I love that! I'm insecure too, but you know what? Just love yourself! xx

R. Gratz said...

This is a phenomenally raw, honest, and beautifully human post. Lovely words with substance and self worth. Dig it!! I am right there with you!

Powered by Blogger.
Theme Designed By Hello Manhattan

Your copyright

Copyright: Courtney Melville @ courtzmelv